If you’re a baseball fan, then you probably have one team you like more than any other or you at least have some preferences vis-a-vis baseball teams and/or baseball. I think it was old timer Nap Lajoie who once said, “If you don’t have a favorite team, root for Cleveland.” Well, the INdians lost the AL Wild Card game last night, so you can’t do that (Thanks for nothin Nap!). But there are at least 4 teams in the MLB Playoffs that start tonight with the Divional Serieses. That might seem like alot and you might be overwhelmed with the task of deciding who to root for. If you are indeed feeling overwhelmed, then don’t worry. You’ve come to the right internet web site. I’m going to help you sort through the propaganda and decide who to root for.
But first, a word of advice for all those whose favorite teams failed to make the postseason. You need to find closure before you can watch the playoffs. You don’t want to be in the middle of watching a Daniel Nava at-bat and feel tears rushing on or a pit of depression opening up deep inside you. Believe me, you’ll get some looks (if you have friends or people nearby at the time). So here’s what I propose: Make a youtube video (like a vine but without the 6 second time limit) where you splice together some footage of your team’s play from this season and as far as music goes, I suggest “Good Riddance (Time of your Life).” Share the video you make with friends and family (again, if you don’t have friends, that’s ok) and this will allow you to move past the sadness of your team’s failed 2013 campaign. Now you’re ready to enjoy the 2013 postseason on TBS.
Pittsburgh Pirates vs. St. Louis Cardinals on TBS.
Who the teams are: The Pirates are a team that is good for the first time in like forever. The Cardinals are a team that’s always good and used to have a shortstop who did backflips on the field.
For the Pirates- Jose Tabata, Mark Melancon, Jason Grill.
For the Cardinals- Matt Adams, David Freeze, Ed Mujica.
Who you should root for: The Pirates. If you’re coming here to decide who to root for in the playoffs then you’re not ready to join the ranks of the best fans in baseball (Cardnel’s fans). If the opposing pitcher’s first or last name is two syllables then make sure to taunt him by chanting his name. That is a thing you do if you’re rooting for the Pirates and if your friends or family ask you to shut up then tell them you can’t because you’re rooting for the Pirates.
Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Atlanta Braves on TBS.
Who the teams are: The Dodgers are a team owned by former basketball player Magic Johnson and he’s working his “Magic” on the baseball diamond now. The Braves are a team that knows how other teams should play the game the right way.
For the dodgers- Yasiel Pug, Juan Uribe, D. Gordon.
For the Braves- Brian McCann, Freddy Garcia, Andrew Simmons.
Who you should root for: The DOdgers. I wanna say the Braves because look at that sweet logo. But look at this series as the War of Western Aggression. The Dogers are gonna march in to Atlanta and figuratively torch the place. Balls are gonna be flying off of Dodger bats and outta Turner Park like cannonballs. The Dodgers are gonna have the Braves waving the white flag before they know what hit ’em.
Tampa Bay Rays vs. Boston Red Sox on TBS.
Who the teams are: The Rays are a team named for a type of line that is finite in one direction. The Red Sox are a team where an unusually high number of the players have beards.
For the Rays —> Yunel Escobar, Luke Scott, Josh Lueke.
For the Red Sox- Brandon Workman, Dan Butler, Manny Ramirez.
Who you should root for: The Red Sox. If you have no qualms about weird wusses and pitchers illegally using pine tar, then be my quest and root for the Rays! But if you wanna be cool, root for the Red Sox.
Detroit Tigers vs. Oakland Athletics on TBS.
Who the teams are: The Tigers are a team that is boring. The Athletics are a team that sometimes is called the A’s and I was on the A’s in machine pitch. I played left-center field better than anyone. Couldn’t figure out the machine tho. I blame the yellow balls.
For the Tigers- Drew Smyly, Doug Fister, Enrique Iglesias.
For the A’s- Jarrod Parker, Brandon Moss, Josh Riddick.
Who you should root for: The A’s. Look, if anybody wanted to watch the Tigers, they’d have voted for em to be on Dancing With The Stars, am I rite? The A’s are a team oozing with multicultural talent. They’ve got Yoenis Cespedes (Cuba), Derek Norris (American), Grant Balfour (New Zealand), Bartolo Colon (Dominican), and Albert Callaspo (Venezuela). The A’s clubhouse is filled with joeys and wallabies and Viva Chavez! paraphernalia. You just don’t see that in other MLB clubhouses or treehouses.
So now you know who to root for. Don’t worry tho. It doesn’t really matter who you root for. When you’re on your deathbed you’re not going to be thinking about the 2013 mlb playoffs, unless you played in them and did something that defined your career maybe. Just try to watch the playoff games with your mind at ease and distracted from the hard realities of the world. Use the games as an escape. Ford Escape. Harrison Ford.